So, y night was boring as all get out. I did a lot of nothing. I talked to Warren for a bit and then that was about it. I am off to get some things done. MUAH! <3...Only Six more days!

Today has been very slow and very boring. I have done a lot of nothing and wasted a lot of time doing it. Well I guess I am entitled damn it. Its my day off and more then likely the last one before I go back to Kansas. I think I might meet Dave tonight for drinks and then maybe something fun afterwards. Who knows. Have to wait and see I guess. I think Lisa is going out too, although I am not to sure about Mom and Charlie. That would be nice and house to myself. YIPPIE! But knowing my luck they will stay home and I will just have to leave. I think that is all I have to think of right now. MUAH! <3

It has been a few days since I posted last. I have been busy packing and getting ready to go to Kansas. I am getting really excited and really sad at eh same time. I know that when I leave this time things are going to be very different when I come back. Miss Melba won't be across the street anymore to go and talk to. Markie won't be there to call and bother whenever I want. Nikki will more then likely be married, and me, well I guess I will be different too. I hate to say it but everyone is changing and life is changing faster then I had a chance to notice. Heck Lisa is in her second year of college and has her own life. Hell she might even get a real job here one of these days. Markie is all the way in California. Mindel is going to be down in Texas, and I am going to be all the way in Kansas. I guess things are bond to change, I just wish it wasn't all so soon.

I have been talking with my friends a lot lately scared that they are going to forget about me and everything we have been through together. I know I won't forget them and I am going to try to stay in contact with them more hen I did last time I left. Write send cards and all that fun stuff. I am not going to let life get away from me and I am not going to let some damn state get in the way either.

Once I get back to Kansas I am going to have to consintrate in Warren on and me. I can't worry about his mother or anyone else thinks. I am going to try and not stress so much and just kinda let things go. I am not going to get myself worked up over things that I have no control over.

I know this post sounds like a bunch of resolutions for myself and it pretty much is. If I don't say them then I more then likely won't do them. Sometimes I just ahve to talk out loud to get myself to listen. Sad isn't it? Well I guess that is just me.

I have to go and pick up my paycheck today after 2 and do a little shopping for some little things. Then it is home and then maybe some drinks with a friend once it is dark. I will just have to wait and see how things go. I am off for now, I need to clean a little more and got some more done around my room. MUAH! <3

I am on like cloud Nine right now. Markie is going to make my layout for me on the geocities site I got. I can't wait to see what she comes up with. She is so good like that. I can't begin to tell you how happy that makes me. I think she going to do something really girlie and what not I told her to surprise me. I got her something off her wishlist for her making it for me. I love that girlie.

I am having a much better day then before I was just bitchy and everything was getting to me, I think everyone knows how that goes. I have to work a whole 4 hours today at work. I don't know if thats even worth my time. I can't wait to get to Kansas and start making some good pay checks. You know something over 200.00 every two weeks.

I swaer I am getting bigger too, I must be stressing more then normal either that or pms is really bad this month. I hate being bitchy and emotional. God I pitty Warren when we one day have children, I am going to be the biggest bitch and winch. But I guess thats what happens when you marry a nut job like myself. Ok enough about me. I have to go get some shit done before I have to go to work. MUAH! <3

Ok I just got done talking with Warren and I don;t know if I feel any better or any worse. I still just as confused as I was before and I still don't feel any better. But at least he has somewhat of an idea as to how I feel. I guess that does make me feel kinda better. Well I forgot to tell what all else I did today.

I went to Finest with Lisa cause they were having this big sale like all the CD's they had outside were 50 cents and I bought her, myself, Mom and Gramma/Grampa CD's all for under 30 bucks. I must have gotten like 35 or so of them. It was great. Then after that we went and got a Slurpee, I am addicted to those damn things. Then I didn't do much else. But it was fun. Then I found out someother news. Mindy might be moving to Texas shortly. Melba got an offer on the house and they are in the process of doing the paper work. It is hard to believe that they are actually moving. It has been comming for such a long time and then when it is so close it is going to be hard to say Good Bye. Melba is my other Mom and Mindy is like another sister. God I have known them for so long it doesn't seem possible. I know Lisa is going to take it harder then any of us though. Mindy has been her best friend since 6th grade. I don't know how shes going to take it. I konw her and Mindel will stay friends though, they are way to close. I remember when we were younger we switched sisters. My Mom adopted Markie and Melba adopted Lisa. We even wrote out contracts and had our parents sign them. Remember that guys? I know I do, I think my Mom has those somewhere too. I might have to find those.

Anyways anough about me, I am off to bed to get some shut eye. Night all. MUAH! <3

Why is life so hard to understand and why is it when you think something is going your way it changes into something you aren't sure of? I am so scared of life right its not even funny. It seems like everything is turned upside down and I can't see things strait. I know what I want out of life and I know what I love I am just not sure if they belong together. I feel like I lead two different lives. Like the way people see me and the way I actually am are completely different. My exterior is completly different then my interior. Its like looking at a country cottage then walking inside to find it completly modern. I have this hurt inside that doesn't ever go away, and I don't know how to make it better. I know it can be accounted to many things but I want to find the one thing and get rid of it. I feel like lately all I have been doing is making wrong decsions. I wish someone could just walk into my head and then maybe they would have an idea as to how I feel. I know I am not making much sence but I have to get it out of my system or I won't feel at all better.

I tryed talking to a friend today and they didn't seem at all interested in what I had to say. It is like I have to be there for everyone else and no one is there for me when I need them. Granted my family is here and what not but they don't understand and I don't know ow to make them. I am not the best with putting my emotions into words. I hold them inside and then I explode when I have had to much. Then when I do break down finally it is over something stupid. So in order for someone to understand they would have to listen to everything and that just takes to long. Like right now I am sitting here crying over everything and the thing that made me set me off was a friend calling me. How stupid is that? I have had some much on my mind lately and all I have been trying to do is take my mind off of it but it seems like the harder I try the more I think about it. I just wish I had someone that understood completly and knew what I was feeling and knew what I was thinking and knew what to say to me. Warren trys real hard and says he understands. He does understand me more then most but not completely. I don't think I even understand myself completely.

I have been having weird nights here lately I drema about things that upset me and when I wake up I can't remember what it was but I am left with those feelings of hurt and betrail. I feel like I'm not in control of my life and yet I am in total control. It is the hardest thing to explain and I don't know how. I think I will just go to bed now and crawl under my blankets and try and sleep it off. Night! <3