I haven't blogger in a few days, sorry been busy. I gave my notcie today at work and my last day will be the 27th of this month. Then my happy butt will be back in Kansas. Sad huh? But I think things will be better this way, I think all is better off. I have to start getting everything together and start packing. I have to get all my things together that I want to take there and then decide what I still want to keep here. There is a lot of stuff let me tell you. hehe. But then again I save a lot of stuff. I think I finally threw away all the school news papers from high school. I am not sure as to why I was holding on to them. I guess sentimental reasons. Who knows I am just weird like that I guess. But anyways, yeah I have to start thinking about things in a different state of mind again. You know looking out for two people instead of one. I have so much to say and I don't have the words to make my thoughts seem like actual complete thoughts, they are all kinda jumbled in my head. Oh what the hell here it is. If you don't understand oh well. I ahve to get this out of my system before I explode.


Miss family
Warren is there
More money
things will be better
I can't wait
Only a few weeks left
Bugging gomer in here room
Mom in the kitchen
Sitting in the pump chair
Conversations about nothing
Grampas after shave
Gramma when she is all dressed up
Waking up to Warren next to me
Barney snoring
Time alone
Being alone
New job
Learning new things
Relearning how to drive
Lisa learning to drive
Mindy and Melba moving
Markelle in California
Teddy bears
Bigger place
Clean the kitchen
Warren
Lisa
Charlie
Gramma
Grampa
Mom

Ok it for now, made myself sad. Have to go get some things done now. MUAH! <3

Well it is official, I am going to be moving back to Kansas. I talked to my Mom tonight and she said it was up to me as to when I want to leave. I talked to Warren and he said he would come and get me whenever I am ready. So I have to think about it. I am thinking the beginning of next month. I still haven't really decided. It was nice to know my Mom understands where I am comming from for once, I mean I really thought that she didn't understand me but I guess she some what does.

Today is September 11th, a year since that awful thing happened. I wouls just like to say that I feel bad for the servivors out there and my heart goes out to you. Kisses. <3

Ok, I know it has been a while since I have posted something worth reading but I really have been busy with work and trying to work some things out in my head. I have been back and forth about moving back to Kansas and whether or not I should. There are a lot of things there that would make my life better and lots of things here that would make my life happy.

Good things about moving back to Kansas:
1. Warren
2. More Money
3. Insurance from a better job

Good things about staying:
1. Mom and Lisa
2. Gramma and Grampa
3. Friends


So I am torn between love of one kind and love of another. If I look at things from a financial stand point Kansas would be better. If I look at things from a family stand point Colorado would be better. I am torn and my heart is going both ways. I stay up a lot of nights trying to figure out what would be better. But either way and whatever conclusion I come too I am still and a cross roads. I don't know what path to take in my life and I am so scared I am going to make the wrong decision. I know I am going to have to fall on my face and get back up again, I just don't want to fall.

I talked to family and they think I could do better with life. I talk to Warren and I can't see my life without him. He is the first true love I have experienced and I don't want to lose that love. But it seemed like then I when I left I lost a lot of what I had here. I am scared that once I leave I will lose a lot more. I don't know how to explain what I am feeling or what I am supposed to do. I wish I could just get a message or something that would point me in the right direction. Once I moved out of the house things changed, I changed. I saw that there was a world outside of Colorado. I saw that there was a love for something that wasn't familiar. Then when I came back the love that I had once felt wasn't there anymore. I was looked at differently and acted towards differently. My room was no longer my room and my life here was no longer. Things had changed underneath me and things were pulled out from under me. My sense of security was no longer here but where Warren was. It was like my world was flip flopped and my family wasn't there for me to fall back on. It was so hard at first and I can't begin to tell you how much resentment I held towards my life here. But like things are never the same once you leave.

Then there is this whole thing with my mouth and having to pay for it and getting it fixed. That's another reason why I am so worried about leaving, I mean what am I going to do once I get there and things aren't better? Am I just going to have to deal with it? Suck it up? Take it like a man? Well, you know what I mean. Ok granted I would have insurance there, have a job that was actually full time, and a way to pay. But being the little pansy ass I am I want my Mom there. I have never gone through anything without her there. I don't know if Warren could handle to see me in pain or know what to do about how I feel.

I guess I just want my cake and eat it too. I want my Mom and I want Warren to both be there for me when I need them. I guess I am just going to have to do more thinking about things and figure out what I am going to do. I will have to talk it over more with Warren and see what he thinks.

Well night night all. Sweet dreams. MUAH <3