I feel so dumb right now its not even funny. I got my hopes up thinkin Warren would be here for when I had surgery, but I should have known better he won't be here. So now I am sitting here crying like an idoit and its my own fault. I should have known better but you always have that hope in the back of your mind. So I get to go have surgery alone and deal with things alone like always. It just would have been nice to have him here and kinda take some of the weight off my shoulders. I am just really scared, I was hoping someone would be there to hold my hand. But it is ok its not the first tiem and I am sure it won't be the last time I will have to deal with thigs alone. I just know what I have to look forward to. I really shouldn't get my hopes up all the time. I should ust learn to except the fact that we are apart and its going to be that way for awhile. I have things to take care of and so does he. Until those are taken care of we'll be apart. He doesn't have the time or the money and I just can't stand to go back there. I guess things tell you how much someone means to you. I mena hell I was there for him when he had surgery, and I was there when he woke up from it, and I was the one who stayed there over night with him and watched him sleep, and I was the one who took care of him for two weeks after wards. I guess a weekend is really to much to ask. Well off to bed, some hard drugs and I am out, my mouth is killing me and no my heart hurts to boot. Yippie for me. Drugs and bed here I come.

I just took this quiz at this site but anyways here were my results. I dunno, think they fit me?




What's *Your* Sex Sign?
MUAH <3

I found out yesterday I get my wisdom teeth pulled on the 23rd if this month. I am kinda scared but kind of happy to get them out. They have been hurting me like no other and it is about time I do something about it. It isn't going to be nearly as expensive as I thought it would be which is good. But I am going to owe my Mom the money. I had a good day at work and everything went my way, which was nice cause my mouth was hurting like crazy. Tomorrow shouldn't be all that bad either, well at least I am hoping. Then this weekend I am going to go down to Denver I think and spend some time with friends. I have to wait and see how things go though, still need to talk it over with my Mom. I think that is all I have to say right now. Nothin else really interesting going on with me. MUAH! <3 Oh yeah, Charlie leaves tomorrow to go back to work. Yippie!! Oh, wait I didn't mean to say that out loud. he he . <3

Well off to another fun day of work. I get to work a fun filled 9 hours today. Suck ass much? I think so. Mom called early this morning and made me an appointment with the dentist to see what he could do for me as far as my wisdom teeth go. See if there is a general surgeon he can sugest to me. Mom said I can just pay here back when I can and not to worry about it right now. Work is so going to suck especially if I am only able to work teh register. If they had me in the back or something I don't think it would be so bad. I guess I am just going to have to wait and see. There isn/t anything else of any importantance I can think of to say right now. Oh yeah, OWIE!!!! Ok I am done now. <3 MUAH!

Why is it when people are drunk they feel the need to argue about everything and try and make you feel worthless? Well I don't think that any reason is good enough. I am so sick of being made to feel worthless by Charlie and like I am not a member of this family. He must telll me at least 4 times a day that I am just a guest in this house. Hell according to him the dog rates higher then me. My old room is the office or the dogs room. I have just kinda been erased from the picture. But I guess that is all well and good because thats what he wants anyway. And they wonder why I am withdrawn and isolate myself. Hmm thats not that hard to figure out. You know since I have been home in June I haven't had one conversation with Charlie that didn't end with yelling or someone mad. Mainly me cause it is always my fault. I guess it is easy to put your own problems and self doubt on someone else to make you feel better. I wish I could do that, I wish I had my own personal punching bag. Oh wait I am one, does that count? I just want to be back with Warren and get back to the way things were. Hell I would rather put up with things there then live here and be made to feel losely everyday. On an everyday basis I am fighting with myself and telling myself that I do belong in this world and that people really do care about me. No wonder I have such a complex with myself. But I guess I am no better then he is placing the blame on someone else. It is my fault I am sure but I am just not sure how. I guess in one shape or form I have always been in the way. I have been told that in one way shape or form for a long time. I guess it just take a while to realize what the person is actually trying to say. I am to the point where I don't know anymore. Maybe if I just died and got myself out of the way he would be happy. I just wish I had somewhere to go and get away, but here I don't, all I have are my own thoughts. I guess things could be worse, I could be dead. Or wait I forgot I already am inside. It is really easy to smile and make things ok, but once you are alone things are way different. I am the poster child for what a broken marriage can do to you. You would think he would be happy for me in the things I have done and what I have accomplished in my life, but no nothing is ever good enough and I will never be what he wants me to be. I am a person with my own thoughts and feelings. But some people just don't see it that way. I get myself so upset. I don't uderstand why I am not a stronger person, why do I let him of all people get to me? That one person I am forced to deal with cause I have no other choice. My mouth is hurting so god damn bad right now I am about ready to pull the teeth out myself. Then he was like yeah I do care and stuff yesterday, yeah right my ass. Talking abuot how he doesn't like to see me in pain, WTF? Ok total contradiction of yourself, you put me in emotional pain everyday. If you care I think you are drunk or thinking about someone else. Cause it sure as hell ain't me you care about. When you care about someone you tell them and show them, neither which you have done for I don't know how long. Maybe like whe I was 10 or something. So a good half of my life ago. I know I am just mad and taking things out in words but my heart hurts so bad sometimes I don't know what else to do. I feel like someone is sitting on my chest and making it so I can't breathe. The kind of hurt I don't wish on my worst enemys. Rejection must be the worst feeling in the world. A feeling I know all to well and don't want to feel anymore. First from a father who with which a share DNA and thats about it, communication when his wife isn't around, and a card in the mail every blue moon. Then from Charlie and I am not sure about that there or what the hell I did. If I had a bottle of hard liquor right now it would be gone. Just drink myself into a dream like state where I don't remember events from the night before. Is there a drug I can buy that has this effect? I wish there was. I wish I could get my feelings out and tell him how I really feel, but I know that all that would end in is something else for him to hold against me. Just like pretty much everything else. I thought that thing were meant to be forgave and forgotten? I guess the rules just don't apply to everyone. I love my Mom and Lisa more then words can express and yet I can't talk to them. I know what the answer will be and I know what they will think. Lisa kinda has an idea as to how I feel but not the full extent. I am making a promise to myself that if and when I have children I will make a point of telling them at least once a day I love them and I care about them. I want the people in my life to know I love them and I care about them. I have been so scared lately that something is going to happen, like this weird feeling, and I am so scared that people aren't going to know how I feel about them. I really wish I understood myself better. <3 Then maybe I wouldn't be so hurt all the time, and so upset with myself.

Ok I like love Kelly Osborne, and I took some quizzes to see what I am. Here was what they told me.
Which of Kelly Osbourne's random objects are you?
by Razorstar. Oh and here is this one. This I think is more my Mom.

Which of Kelly Osbourne's hairstyles are you?
by Razorstar