ok once again my mouth is hurting like crazy and there isn't anything I can do. I have found that Advil does help a bit. I am so confused right now I am just going in circles. I want so badly to be here with my Mom, Lisa and Charlie, but it seems it was going to be a temp thing anyway. It wasn't ever going to be anything perminate. I guess once you leave you really can't come back, well at least to where you were before you left. I just don't think that Mom understand sometimes as to how lonely I get and for how hard it is for me to be here. I have had to swallow any kind of pride I had and come crawling back, and now that I am here I come to find out that I really shouldn't even be here in the first place. I think I am just going to move back with Warren, at least there I have someone to talk to about things and not be judged. I guess I don't know where I belong. I thought that I would be happier here, and in some ways I am. But in others I am not. It seems like my bestfriend is a million miles away and I am kinda stuck to deal with things alone. I have tried talking to Mom but she doesn't understand, and Lisa isn't much better. They don;t seem to realize that they have someone to talk to, Mom has Charlie and Lisa has all her friends. Lisa trys to understand but thinks of herself or reverts things back to her. I mean I know they try sometimes but most of the time it just doesn't work. I just lie in bed and cry myself to sleep most night and try not to think about things. But you know how things get when you just lay there. You think about everything. I have had such a hard time sleeping lately thats its not even funny. I wake up on every hour and look at the clock. And once I am asleep I dream of the things that are bothering me, so it is like I never get a break from my own thoughts. It is enough to drive a person lonely and out of their mind. I am trying really hard to be strong and not let things get to me but it doesn't seem to be working. I feel like breaking down and crying all the time for reason or another. Today when I was driving to work I had one of those dizzy spells, when I was at a stop light. It was scary. It was like things went all weird in front of my face and there wasn't anything I could do about it. So, I kinda sat there dazzed for a minute and then I took off. I don;t know what causes them but they really scare me. I am affraid something might happen to me. I have had a lot of dreams lately about dying. Like the one dream I had last night, I had died in my sleep. Then it kinda went to where the funeral was, and they were people there dressed in black and family and everything, and they were talking about how closed off I was when I was alive and how I never talked about anything, and how they didn;t even know anything was wrong. It turns out I didn't die in my sleep, I took one to many pills and I just didn't wake up. It was so freaky I couldn't fall back asleep for a while after that. I just kinda layed there. I kinda know what my dream meant and how to take it but it is still scary. It made me think there are so many things I want to do with my life and there is so much more yet that I have yet to do. It also made me realize that I am kinda trapped, and I have no one but myself to blame. It like being in a room with a window on every wall, and every window has something different when you look out it. I want to be outside away from the room, but I am trapped with no way out. The windows are locked and there isn't a door. But I have put myself in the box, I guess I am going to have to figure a way out of it. Well enough of my babble. I am just making myself more upset. Bye! <3

Today was so darn long, and I don't feel good. My wisdon teeth are hurting me like a bitch and there isn't anything I can do about it until I get insurance. It sucks to be broke. Eh! Anyways, work was ok today but I found out some of the shit about it. Like part time you don't get a break. Any even full time only get ONE 15 minute break. What kinda shit is that? I will keep this job until I can find another one. Or until Wal Mart starts to hire again. Which I am hoping they will do soon. Well I don't have anyting planned for tonight just sit at home and wait for Warren to call I guess. Well bye! <3 MUAH!!

Well of another fun day at work, well to be honest it isn't all that bad, gets kinda busy at time but other then that it is pretty cool. I am not sure why but my blog doesn't seem to updating, maybe its just me. Talk to you all laters. <3

Lisa is cool, she is my hero.

Ok, I don't think I have been up this early in a long time. Off to my first day of work at Hobby Lobby. Yippie. I am so excited and so nervous at teh same time. Getting back into the working mind set is going to be hard the first couple of days, but once thats over with I should be ok. I need to stop yawning and get my butt in gear. I am dressed, thats a good thing but I still have to do my hair and put some face on. I will tell you how my first day went once I get home. I love you Hunny!!! Muah! <3

<3<3<3 I love my friends!!

There is something that has been bothering me all day. I turn on the TV to find out there was some sort of bombing in Israel. Ok fine whatever, but then they are tlaking about how the US is sending troops over to help and sending money and what not. Ok what the fuck? I mean really, the government is always talking about how we have no fucking money, well shit, you know why? cause we give it to every other fucking country. I mean ok there are how many homeless people in the US? How many of them are Vets? Hell we should be giving the money to people who actua;;y helped our country. Those are the people we should be helping and thanking, not all those other fucking fuck heads. Hell we should be putting all that money towards hunger in our country and towards all the pople in THIS country who don't have homes, and food to eat. It makes me mad when I hear on the news that senior citizens are having to go back to work because the damn government is spending there retirment money and there social security. Hell what is going to happen in 30 years when it comes time for me to retire, what are they going to say " oh sorry but we spent it"? I realized why it is I never ever watch the news anymore, it makes me so DAMN mad. I hate the fact that the US has to fucking bend over backwards to accomidate everyone else. I look in the paper to find a job and every other fucking one is Biligual, FUCK THAT SHIT!!! Learn fucking english. God damn ignorant people make me fucking mad. Learn english, get jobs and learn to deal. You moved here you fucking deal with it. Don't expect my happy ass to help you, you will get a swift kick in the ass from me. Oh and maybe a smile but thats it. Ok I can't type anymore, the more I sit here the more angry I get. <3

I have lots of good stuff to tell you all, but of course right as I sit down to tell you my mother comes in to tell me dinner is ready. I guess my great news will have to wait until I am finished. Talk to you in a bit. <3 MUAH!

I actually went out and did something today, go me. I woke up this morning and Lisa told me all about the KoRn concert she went to last night. She had such a good time, I am happy for her. Then after that was all said and done I talked to Warren for a bit before he headed off to work and went to the store for my Mom. She was trying to get dinner ready for tonight and she didn't quite have everything she needed. After that Gomer and I decided to go to the dollar store and get some picture frames, well they didn't have them there so we went to Wally World in stead, they had some cute ones. So Lisa decided on one and as we were heading towards the check out Gomer spotted a back pack she wanted for school, so I got it for her and she is going to pay me back laters, which is ok cause i know she is good for the money. On the way home we stopped at 7 eleven and got some Slurpee's they are the best. Now I am here about 3 hours later talking to you people out in cyber space. Lisa went with Mindel to go watch Brent race someones rice burner, she should be back laters. I think I might head over to Hobbly Lobby and get something to do. MUAH! <3

Today was kinda boring today for me. Lisa left me early and about all I ventured out of the house to do was go to the bank for my Mom. Woopie! Anyways, I got two more care bears today so I was really happy. Now there should be one more that should get here tomorrow. Or at least I am hoping. Of course it is the one I wanted the most, and I is taking the longest to get here. Wish Bear, the greatest Care Bear. At least I think so. She is just so darn cute. I think that is all for now. Talk to you laters. MUAH! <3

Ok another boirng day! Bye!

I am so totally confused right now. I just got off the phone with Warren and I think I am more frustrated then from when I started the conversation. But anyways, I had fun today with Lisa. We went over to my Grandparents house with me and then it was off to 7-11. I love there Vanilla Coke slurpee's, Oh so good.:::Drools::: Then we came home for a bit, and I watched one of my favorite Melissa Joan Hart movies, Drive Me Crazy or whatever it is called. But yeah I love those kinda movies, you know the mushy, teeny booper, guy always gets the girl kind. I love happy endings though. Then I thought it woul be fun to take Lisa out driving. She had only been in a car once before in her whole entire life. So, we get to the parking lot and I let her get after it. You know get a feel for the car. The gas and break, which one is which. We only had a few minor glitches along the way like not being able to stay in her lane and the oh so popular hard breaking. You know you did it too when you were first learning. Oh the good ol' days, you know 4 years ago. LOL. But anywas that is all for me I am off to bed to dream of pink fuzzy cloulds and teddybears, or something like that. Something that doesn't invlove with rest of my life and what I am going to have to do with it. Dreams where I don't have to make descions about anything. The good kind, where you wake up with smiles on your face. Oh and another thing, Mom and Charlie took off for the night, you know what that means??? Sleeping in past 9 in the morning. Tomorrow I have to go and get an employe hand book for my job. Fun stuff right there, you know the kinda good reading that you skim through and sign, not knowing as to whether or not you signing you life away or not. Fun never the less, makes thing more interesting when you don't read them all the way through. He He!! At least I think so anyways. Ok good night! Sweet Dreams to all. <3